Notes from a recovering insomniac
For years, I called myself an insomniac. I stated it as fact, like it was something I had no control over, a permanent condition. I’d resigned to staying up all night, tossing and turning, mind racing a mile a minute, then stumbling out of bed to “zombie it” in to the office. When I resigned last December, things changed significantly - I started sleeping through the night. I chalked it up to the environment. It wasn’t my fault, it was that toxic workplace that was robbing me of my much-needed rest. Boy was it nice to have sleep back in my life, and even nicer to offload the blame of missing it for so long.
I slept through the nights for six months, until one night when I didn’t. I remember that night - it was uncomfortably familiar. I casually grabbed my phone and scrolled, played games, watched shows…whatever mindless activities I could find to pass the time.
Before I knew it, that became my new nightly ritual. I quickly added something into the mix: listening to Dateline or 48 Hours on my Airpods while I drifted off. I would wake up every hour or so, catch a few of the highlights and drift off again. I looked forward to hearing those stories each night.
A month later, I was at a women’s social in Nashville and they set us up with an icebreaker question: What are you binge-watching right now? The amount of women that gave shout outs to Cold Case, Unsolved Mysteries, and 48 Hours was surprising - so many were hooked on murder mysteries. As we went around the room, one woman named Dateline and another excitedly blurted out “I listen to that while I sleep!”
I felt myself shift into awareness.
Why had I chosen to listen to a show about violence and murder (most frequently against women, and often graphic) while I was sleeping? Why was I allowing this to be a constant soundtrack for my subconscious? I’m a mother - I can tell you I spent years trying to keep that information, that exposure out of my daughter’s head. So why was I filling mine with it? Do I not deserve the same level of care and protection that she does?
An important lesson I’ve learned is that often, simply bringing awareness to my choices or behaviors is enough to begin changing them. Sit with that one for a minute. It’s powerful.
Here’s what I did to shift.
That next night, lying in bed, I grabbed my phone and found myself navigating to Dateline on autopilot. Before I clicked play, I remembered how I felt earlier and decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I hit the search bar instead and typed in sleep. I discovered a sleep affirmations podcast that I’m really enjoying, and each time I’ve used it, I’ve slept through the night. Go figure.
I was about to say I feel better, but if you were sitting here with me and said that, I would say “Define better.” So let me practice what I preach.
I feel inspired by my ability to make a change when I thought I couldn’t.
I feel optimistic that my choices have such a strong impact on my sleep quality. Boy, am I powerful!
I feel proud that I made a different choice when my awareness increased. Proud that I’m putting my health as a top priority.
I feel accountable. I feel aligned with who I want to be as a mother, and as an example for my daughter. Even if she doesn’t know how I care for myself, I know it. And that’s the most important part.
If you’re caught in the cycle of sleep sabotage, I see you. I’m with you. You deserve better, just like I do.
Try this:
Write out your sleep routine. Include how you get ready for bed and what you do if you wake up in the middle of the night. Capture as many details as you can.
Call your best friend. Tell her you have instructions for her to implement tonight. Read her your routine as though you’re giving her directions.
Would you make any changes to your list for your best friend? Then stop making excuses and make them for you. If I did it, you can too.
H
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