Three Columns for Clarity
I just had a total meltdown and I know you’ll understand.
I ordered a bunch of clothes from Amazon and they showed up this afternoon when Kevin (my husband) and I were sitting in our studio. I got super excited and ran into the bedroom to try things on and almost yelled out “Fashion Show!”, but held back for some reason. Let’s call it fate.
I unwrapped the first item, a fitted turquoise jersey dress with ruching that looked very promising. Too baggy. Next one, a puff sleeve striped top. Football shoulders. Next, paper sack look. Next, the tent. Disappointment central. Argh.
I packaged everything back up, smashed it into a ball and walked out of the bedroom to see Kevin waiting for a big reveal. I sharply announced that everything would be going back to Amazon. I added “Funny that you’re getting cuter and I’m getting uglier! Nothing I have looks good on me!” Increase volume. “I’m getting frumpier by the minute and I’m out of shape and I look gross and my hair is so dark and my face is ugly and people are probably saying why is that guy with HER?” Cue: tears.
Yes, I am emotional and expressive. (I’m Italian, come on.) But a little dramatic? Maybe. So were the clothes really the issue?
Four days earlier, I flew my family in from out of state. Our first visit at our new home in Tennessee… and it didn’t go well. I got sick on the second morning of the visit. I mean sick - as in body aches all over, can’t get comfortable, nauseated every minute, won’t drink water, dizzy and exhausted sick. Sick enough not to object when your 16 year-old says she’ll drive you to urgent care in your car when she doesn’t have one because she accidentally totalled it. Sick enough to be reassured when she says she won’t speed because she doesn’t want to get pulled over since her license isn’t good in this state.
Yeah. Obviously all the things I had planned for our visit went down the tubes. Instead of Nashville restaurants and live music, we had door dash and bag salad from instacart. We went out twice more - I rallied and insisted, but most of the time it felt like everyone was bored and disappointed. I thought we’d have the time of our lives and create a photo book; we snapped one pic in the driveway before heading to the airport. It felt like my family was unhappy with me for getting sick and ultimately, not delivering a spectacular vacation. Ouch.
So here’s what that voice in my head is saying.
I planned a huge visit and made it happen when I have a million other things on my plate. Do you see anyone else setting things up, paying for flights, arranging meals and getting matching shirts no less? Even when I’m practically on my deathbed, I’m still trying to make sure everyone else is good. Trying to figure out what we’re going to eat, planning for food sensitivities and checking for emotions and balancing family dynamics and trying to make sure everyone is “happy.” Why am I the only one that does this, time after time, and why doesn’t anyone appreciate me for it?
Ok, so we can see I’m ramping up pretty quickly here, and to be honest, it doesn’t feel good. My body is tense and my head is spinning and I’m feeling worse than I did when this was actually happening. Yikes.
When I find myself getting lost in my head, I pause and say out loud - if my friend were in this same position, what would I do to care for them?
I’d have them do a three column exercise…so I just did it. Let’s explore.
The three column exercise is a tool I created to help identify the difference between the story I cook up in my head and what is actually happening. I have a creative mind and it works fast, so I can get quite a drama going if I don't keep my brain in check. This tool has helped me time and time again to bring myself back to earth and keep me and my relationships grounded. Here's how it goes.
1. Get some paper and a pen. (No pencils.) Make three columns by drawing two lines vertically on your paper. The first column doesn't need to be very big.
2. In that first column, write the thought that you hear in your head. If you’ve got a bunch going, pick the one that feels sharpest. It doesn't matter what it is, just put it down. It might look like “My boss hates me” or “I’m terrible in relationships.” Make sure to write it down exactly as you hear it in your head.
3. In the second column, write out the feelings that you have when you hear that thought. Anything goes, just capture as much as you can. You can even write things like what you feel like doing or saying, e.g. “I’m never talking to her again.”
4. In the third column, write down the facts, and listen - I have a strict way to define facts: A camera has to be able to see them. In other words, “they were disrespectful” is not a fact, as a camera cannot see disrespect. However, a camera can see someone spitting in your face, so if that happens, write that down.
5. Now that you're an expert in the three column exercise, take a look at mine and compare my story to the facts.
Pretty nutty right? Does this ever happen to you? It might be easier to recall a friend getting wrapped up over something that didn’t seem like a big deal to you, likely because she was telling herself a story and you were looking at the facts. There are many reasons why we do this and we’ll learn about those later. More importantly, we’ll learn what we can do about it.
So back to me. I am pretty surprised at how different the story I told myself about this trip is from what actually happened, and since that story felt really crappy, I’m glad I have some evidence to the contrary. What a relief! I feel loved, cared for, appreciated, even cherished when I look over the list of nice things my aunt and daughter did for me. That’s quite different from the feelings I wrote in column two.
I'm also noticing there are some things I need to work on, like insisting everyone come on this trip and booking flights without asking. (Really??) I wonder how I would feel if somebody did that to me…
Talk soon.
H
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