The other day, I attended an intimate holiday party with a small group of women. One of them mentioned ahead of time that she had a hard stop at the end of the event due to another commitment. As parties often do, it ran long. When the time came, she timidly announced she’d need to go. And as she worked to get out of her seat, she kept apologizing—"I feel terrible," "I’m so sorry"—and I found myself wondering: Why?
She wasn’t leaving early. (And even if she was, that doesn’t warrant an apology.) She was keeping a commitment she had made to herself and someone else. Isn’t that honorable? Why apologize for it?
This moment stuck with me, not because it was unusual, but because it wasn’t. I see this all the time—women apologizing for things that aren’t wrong, for simply keeping boundaries, for prioritizing themselves. Yet we’re surrounded by messages to advocate for ourselves, speak up, and set boundaries. But here’s the catch: we’re also expected to do everything, all at once, without ever inconveniencing anyone else.
Yeah, right.
It’s Scary to Speak Up
This isn’t something that comes naturally to most of us, and no wonder—we learned algebra and geology in school, not boundary-setting or how to stay confident under stress. Pushing into it is what makes it less scary, since we get practice and exposure to those uncomfortable feelings and learn we can stand on our solid ground.
I was at a networking event recently, standing in a circle with a dozen women, each awkwardly sharing their business pitch. About halfway through, two women walked into our reserved space, and the co-facilitator left—mid-pitch—to give them a full-volume tour of the place. It was difficult to hear each other, and while we looked around at each other in confusion, the facilitators didn’t seem to notice. Cue the stress response.
When my turn came, I knew I couldn’t present myself effectively in that environment. So before I talked myself out of it, I took a deep breath and said as calmly as I could, “I’d appreciate the opportunity to share a little later. I’m finding it hard to concentrate right now.”
It was VERY uncomfortable. I got the look from the facilitator—yes, you know the one—and instantly spiraled into self-doubt. Was I being high maintenance? What was everyone thinking about me? Did I blow my chance to earn any respect? Were they all going to blacklist me? But when the noise subsided, I was invited back to share my introduction. Here was my chance to be honest and true to myself, and pave the way for other women to see it and do the same.
I took another deep breath and started by saying it took me a lot of courage to speak up for myself. That it was uncomfortable and that I started a negative spiral immediately, but that I knew I needed to advocate for myself because that’s what I would encourage others to do. I got head nods and appreciative, understanding smiles (from everyone but the facilitator).
Once we moved into casual, open chat, several women came up to me and expressed gratitude for my leadership. They shared they felt the side conversation was incredibly distracting and that they were inspired by my courage to speak up.
That moment was a reminder that respecting my own boundaries isn’t easy, but it’s totally worth it. And it’s okay if it doesn’t feel graceful or perfect. I’m a work in progress.
Boundaries Are Hard, but They’re Worth It
Here’s the thing about boundaries: they’re uncomfortable to enforce—not just for us, but for the people around us. And of course they are. We’ve been conditioned to act “like a lady”: to be polite, agreeable, and hold our tongue, often at the expense of our own needs.
I recently spoke with a woman in the mental health field who described her day as “hectic.” When I asked, “What are you doing to take care of yourself?” she deflated, then admitted, “I’m not good at taking care of myself these days.” Later, she shared how she’s pouring all her energy into helping homeless mothers by providing shelter, care, and support getting back on their feet. The entire room exploded with praise and excitement. Talk about reinforcement.
Women are praised for taking care of others, even at their own expense, and often feel guilty when putting themselves first. Yet when we speak up, we risk being labeled as bossy, aggressive, or difficult. These labels are persistent—they’re a product of societal norms that have long praised women for compliance and caregiving while penalizing them for self-advocacy. These expectations are reinforced everywhere—from childhood sayings ("If you don’t have anything nice to say...") to workplace cultures that prize nonstop overachievement and frame boundaries as uncooperative. Because if you speak up for yourself, you’re seen as anything but a team player…
When we assert ourselves, we worry about how it will be received—will we be seen as ungrateful or high-maintenance? Will we end up sitting alone at the lunch table or not invited to the party?
Shifting our behavior isn’t easy—it takes focused and intentional effort to confront deeply ingrained beliefs and push back against the pressure to conform. Here’s where I’ve found a way forward: If I bring my motto into focus and remind myself that my self-worth is not on the table—which it isn’t—I can see that apologizing for upholding my boundaries only weakens them and sends the wrong message, not just to others, but to myself.
Allowing boundaries to be crossed doesn’t protect our relationships or our worth—it diminishes them. Choosing to uphold our boundaries sends the message that we are deserving of respect, to others and, most importantly, to ourselves.
Setting boundaries is difficult—sometimes even scary—but it’s also an opportunity to discover our strength, honor our needs, and build a foundation of self-respect. It’s a way of saying to ourselves: I am worth it.
Setting a Boundary Is About Self-Love and Respect
When we apologize for setting boundaries, it’s often because deep down, we believe we’re asking for too much. That we’re not “good enough” to deserve respect. So when we honor our own needs, we instinctively soften it with an apology, as if to say, I’m sorry for taking up space.
We need to stop apologizing for doing what’s right for ourselves. Keeping a boundary or saying “no” isn’t rude or selfish. It’s an act of self-respect—and modeling that self-respect gives other women permission to do the same.
Let’s Lift Each Other Up
Women often promote their ability to set and maintain boundaries, yet through deeper discussion, they reveal how poorly they feel they’re being treated by those around them. I was there too. It’s taken me decades to be able to speak up for myself without apologizing. I just realized something: I used to apologize to my dad constantly, and he would respond with a loud and angry “Stop apologizing! You’re always apologizing!” I bet you have a story of your own.
I want to keep exploring this—to make a difference, and I think it starts here: by encouraging each other to speak up, to hold our ground, and to stop apologizing for doing so. That doesn’t mean we have to be harsh or confrontational—there’s plenty of room for mutual respect and understanding. But it does mean standing tall and saying, This is who I am. These are my needs.
And no, you don’t have to apologize for that.
The next time you find yourself about to say “I’m sorry” for keeping a commitment to yourself, pause. Ask yourself: Am I actually sorry for a decision I’ve made? Or am I just afraid of taking up space? If it’s the latter, take a deep breath, appreciate the opportunity in front of you, and grow into your courageous, deserving self.
What’s Next
Recognizing the need for boundaries is the first step, but putting them into practice is where the real transformation happens. It’s not always easy, but it is worth it. Let’s dive into some practical steps to help you communicate and uphold your boundaries with clarity and confidence.
How to Set and Hold a Boundary (Without Feeling Guilty)
1 Get Clear on What You Need
Think about what matters most to you—your values, priorities, and well-being, and ask yourself:
Where in my life do I feel drained or disrespected?
What relationships do I feel uneasy about? Are there specific behaviors that are leaving me feeling unsettled?
What am I willing to accept? What am I unwilling to tolerate?
Write it down. Seriously. Seeing it on paper helps you own it. No culling or editing yet - this is the time to get everything out.
2 Visualize
Let’s face it: boundaries get tested. Think about who, where, and when this might happen. Is it a colleague asking for “just one more thing”? A loved one who isn’t used to hearing “no”?
Now, imagine the scenario in detail. Picture yourself calm and steady, not defensive or apologetic. Practice saying your boundary out loud, and get really honest about it: “I can’t take on additional projects right now because I’m committed to finishing what’s already on my plate. I’m working on following through - which isn’t one of my strengths, so I appreciate your support and understanding.” Or you can be more succinct: “I’ve decided to prioritize my rest this year, so I won’t be available for late-night calls anymore.”
Feel awkward? That’s normal, and it means you're growing. It gets easier the more you practice.
3 Acknowledge, Don’t Apologize
When the moment comes, state your boundary clearly and directly. You can acknowledge the other person’s feelings, but not at your own expense. No apologies needed.
Try this: “I can see how this might feel inconvenient, but I made this commitment to myself and it’s important I keep it.”
Notice how that keeps the door open for connection while still honoring your boundary.
4 Be Open to Their Perspective (In Addition to, not Instead of, Yours)
Boundaries aren’t about shutting people down. Once you’ve stated yours, invite the other person to share how they’re feeling.
Listen. Be curious. And remember, listening doesn’t mean giving up. You can hold space for their experience without compromising yours. And you’re demonstrating how to do this in the moment, inviting them to do the same. Everyone gets to grow, and that’s a big win.
5 Stand Firm, Stay Kind
This might be the hardest part: sticking to your boundary when pushback happens. Restate what you need, but frame it with connection and understanding in mind. For example: “I can understand why you’re frustrated - I would be too. However, respecting my policy is important to me. Let’s talk about this and find a solution that feels good for both of us moving forward.”
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you “mean.” It communicates that you’re worth showing up for yourself with honesty, compassion, and courage—and invites others to do the same in return.
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