This morning I got a new member request for Into the Woods. When I opened the WIX app and didn’t recognize the name, my heart hit 95MPH. I opened my Insta account and saw the same person that requested membership is now following me. (135MPH.) I jumped onto her account to see a badass headline and photos of a woman that looks beautiful, collected, independent, confident, and like she lives up to her headline. And she’s following ME?
Pump the brakes. This must be a mistake. Let’s not get too wrapped up here. Why allow myself to experience those positive emotions like hope, wonder and excitement when this might be too good to be true? (I’m practiced at foreboding joy - thanks Brené Brown).
Quick text to my social media advisor - my 16 year old daughter - to let her know the situation. I shared that I didn't want to get too excited in case this was fake, and she responded so appropriately: yeah but if it’s real, you’ve found someone interested!
Good point.
After some investigating, we find out this woman is in Franklin and looks pretty amazing. Scratch that, she looks perfect. Perfect hair, teeth, smile, outfits, photos, reels, you name it. Then self-doubt creeps in but I don’t see it for what it is. I go into hyperdrive. What posts do I have up? What’s on my website? Are there mistakes? How many events do I have listed? When’s the last time I wrote a blog post? Should I post something now? Should I get on social and do something meaningful? What is she thinking about my site and my social and most of all, what does she think of me?
Then it really hit me. From one little notification, I did what I constantly tell my friends not to do.
I put my self-worth on the table. I allowed my sense of worth to get wrapped up in what’s on my webpage, my social accounts. Even crazier, on what a complete stranger thinks about those things.
The second I realized it, I ran out of the shower, water all over the floor, to find my husband and tell him. This is a necessary step for me to stay healthy - vocalizing my inner narrative, challenges I’m facing and what I’m working to do. This step keeps me honest with myself and takes the power away from the nasty voice in my head that tries to bring me down.
Now that it’s out of my head, I can come back to my body. What do I feel? Shaky hands, increased breathing, rapid heart rate. Stress response, check. No decisions shall be made in this moment - a hard and fast heuristic I use to curb my tendency to self-sabotage when emotionally triggered. I make decisions when I’m calm and centered. Period.
DBT comes to my rescue. Here’s what I did.
Changed location. Grabbed gym bag and nearly ran out the door.
Intense exercise combined with intense participation. Lifted weights and payed close attention to form, counting and breathing.
Listened to music. Put on motivational pump-you-up songs to generate opposite emotion of where I was at. A shift from worry and nervousness to confidence and tenacity.
Talked with friends. Chatted at the gym and put positive energy into my conversations, then called a close friend on the way home.
Went outside. Finished conversation on the deck, paying attention to the birds, trees, warm air and even the furniture under my body while I talked.
Now I’m calm. Let me reflect.
I put myself into a frenzy over a woman I don’t know? I started questioning myself? My path, my value? The hard work I put into my website? My style? My worth? For what purpose?
If I dig deep enough, I was hoping to gain her approval. But who is she?
She’s a woman just like me. So she has a business. So she’s an entrepreneur. She has beautiful photos. A fantastic web presence and social media and everything else. Bottom line: she’s a woman, just like me. She has highs and lows and hopes and fears and takes amazing photos and has bad hair days and puts her pants on just like I do, one leg after the other.
So let me come back down to planet earth and tell myself a few things I obviously need to hear.
You are enough.
You don’t need anyone’s approval but your own.
There is nothing you need to do or not do to prove yourself.
Your journey is unique. Go at your own pace, on your own terms.
Your self-worth is not on the table.
So now, I will say thank you to my first Insta follower (that isn’t friend or family) for the opportunity to practice my tools, come back to center, remember who I am and why I’m doing this.
Because I deserve it.
~Hilary
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