It’s been about two weeks since I came home to find the neighbor's dog had broken into my rabbit run. I was just in time to see their dog swinging my rabbit, Bean Bun, through the air in his teeth.
The rest of the day feels like a dream, almost like it wasn’t me that experienced it, like I was separated from myself.
I heard myself scream. The second I did, the dog dropped Bean bun in the grass like nothing, like she was an old rag, and trotted home. No remorse. No regret.
I ran to Bean, scooped her up. She didn't move.
I howled, holding Bean close to me. I kept pausing to look at her as though it were a mistake, thinking she would be ok, waiting for her to lick my fingers or kick her feet. It’s like I just couldn’t process what had happened. Cognitive dissonance.
I found myself at my neighbor’s house, desperately pressing the Ring with that stupid chime going off. I was hysterical on her porch, cradling my lifeless rabbit, all on her camera…yet she didn't answer. A minute later I was back in my yard and on the phone with my mom. She was sure they were home. I couldn’t believe that either. I couldn't believe that somebody would behave like that.
Until I saw them. I looked over toward the house and saw someone walking around. I went back and rang the bell several more times. Still no answer. I started back toward our house, pausing when the UPS truck came down our street and stopped in front of their house. He dropped a box, rang the bell and stood back for a photo.
She answered the door.
I was totally stunned. I screamed out her name and she looked over at me like this is a normal day and said “Oh, did you bring your bunny?” I screamed NO and walked over. “Your dog killed my rabbit.”
That's when she told me she knew the dog was out.
Two weeks earlier, her dog had gotten out and tried to attack my rabbits when I was home. She came to get them; this wasn’t a secret. So knowing this, one would think she’d do something when her dog got out again. Call me. Look for her dog. Check on my rabbits.
She did nothing.
I’m going to stop myself from thinking about the neighbor for now and bring the focus back to me.
Sleeping is tough. My appetite has been almost nonexistent. I feel exhausted. I don't want to think about any of this. I'm using DBT skills to cope and managing reasonably well considering, but I’m really tired. I need a break.
Here’s the tricky part - when I do take a break, I feel guilty. We went to the movies the other night and I got sucked into it, and then felt guilty when I remembered what happened. My brain started questioning my intentions. How dare I enjoy an evening when my helpless rabbit just spent the last few moments of her life terrified and in pain?
Grief is difficult. It doesn't make sense. I’m moving through sadness and anger and then complete numbness. Sometimes I’m aloof and disoriented, then I’m irritated by everyone and everything. I'm trying to roll with it. One day at a time. One hour. One minute if that’s what I can do.
I’m working to remind myself that I've been down before. Really down. I’ve had many difficult chapters in my life and when I was in the middle of each, I felt trapped and was sure there was no way through. I was certain the heartache would never end, that I would collapse under the pressure, but that isn't what happened. I made it through and strangely, I wouldn’t take back any of those chapters. Those difficult times have shaped me into the incredibly strong and resilient woman I am today. They’re the reason I’m sitting here writing this to you, hoping to help you realize your strength and self-worth.
I’m being as gentle with myself as possible. Please do the same for yourself.
I’m sorry, Bean Bun. I miss you every day. Run free in bunny heaven.
H
Comments